Gail Sheehy
- 1973
Fellowship Title:
- Ages and Stages of Development in Men and Women
Fellowship Year:
- 1973
“Vox Pop” on a Theory in Labor (IV)
My last three newsletters have discussed reader reaction to a preliminary article called “Catch-30 and Other Predictable Crises of Growing UP Adult” (New York Magazine, Feb. 18, 1974). The article advanced some controversial speculations: People do not fully outgrow their parents until well into their 40s. People don’t marry for love. They marry for approval (it’s the thing to do), for safety, so they won’t be alone, for practicality, to pet away from home, to fill some vacancy in themselves. Marriage often short-circuits young, people’s work on themselves as they slip under a grid of obligations to act as they “should” as spouses and parents. Several couples and a doctor took issue with me: From a couple at 30: Help us — PLEASE-for over five years now -my husband and I have been under the totally misguided belief that we are in love. We were even foolish enough to think we married for love. Of course, after reading your article, I now know that I, brainless woman as I am, married my husband to get
“Vox Pop” on a Theory in Labor (III)
Most of us are utterly convinced, in our 20s, that all our notions spring full bloom as if by magic from our own unique selves. My last newsletter described the reactions from people in this age group to ideas about adult development I had advanced in a preliminary article. They argued mightily against any idea that certain crises and concepts or ourselves might be universal at this particular stage in life. Letterwriters in their 30s and 40s were far less concerned with proving their own uniqueness and more comfortable with commonalties. They were anxious to look deeper into developmental differences between men and women, between cultures and social classes. And they made excellent suggestions for broadening the research: From a woman in California preparing her doctoral dissertation in clinical psychology based on a study of unmarried men and women between the ages of 30 and 40: As very little work has been done on the particular problems of the unmarried in this age group your article was a gift from the gods, as it adds
“Vox Pop” on a Theory in Labor (II)
My earlier newsletter described some of the mail generated by the adult development theory being researched under the auspices of the Alicia Patterson Foundation. As the letters continued to pour in after a preliminary article appeared I was fascinated to be able to detect the age of the correspondents by their observations. For example, in describing young people in their 20s — I called them “provisional adults”-I mentioned that they “commonly insist that what they are doing is the true course in life.” Almost all the letters from men and women in this particular age group seemed to insist that the theory was wrong and their view was right. Most of them were peeved with me for not seeing them as unique. I had written: Doing what they “should” is the strongest motif. Two impulses are at work. One is to build a firm, safe structure for the future by making strong commitments, to “be set.” The other urge is to explore and experiment, keeping any structure tentative. The balance struck between these two impulses
“Vox Pop” on a Theory in Labor (I)
Releasing bits and pieces of a new theory in progress is hazardous. It stimulates the pounce reflex in television producers, talk show hosts and documentary filmmakers. They all want to do an in-depth interview now. “It will only take a day of your time.” Lecture bureaus hound. University departments and professional associations need an immediate commitment to their upcoming workshops or conferences. You get hundreds of inquiries about further readings on the subject. Ego massages end up as touching appeals for jobs “Will you be my mentor?” And one-third of the nation’s psychology students ask you to write their term papers. The pressure is upon you to play infant god — which is easy to resist. But letters imploring your advice on how to stop immediate pain — “I’m going through a mid-life crisis with my husband now, and I feel in desperate need to know whatever information you can give me” — are not easy to ignore. Also impossible to ignore are the thoughtful letters of earnest readers — and these it has been
The Predictable Mid-Life Couple Crisis
No one knows why the master is afraid to close his eyes. Why, at 43, called out on the balcony of his life’s accomplishment to be cheered by the crowd, he has trouble simply keeping his balance. The supports of success are not holding. It began about four years ago. He ignored it at first, and took on more work. Let us imagine the master is an architect and give him the name Aaron Coleman Webb. To protect his personal privacy the details of his professional life have been altered to a precise equivalent; the description and quote about his inner life are all exact. So, in his 39th year, we will say, he threw himself into a new publication, another teaching position, grander commissions in more prestigious cities. At 40, he was selected as resident architect of one of the world’s great fine-arts academies. Last year, it was an invitation by a foreign government to design its new parliament building. But no matter where he shifted his weight, there was a giving way of